Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Everyone says I win the strip club
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
