How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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