Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
