I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
