I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
