May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
