I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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