I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
