dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
