I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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