There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The struggles of a small town man whore
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
