Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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