After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize