i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
