Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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