I'm eating all of the evidence.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
