and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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