Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
