I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
