Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
