I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
