My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
