I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
