Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Panties = found
Randomize
