I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
