I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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