i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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