I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
