i think my tv is drunk
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
