every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize