everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
