I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
