I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
