what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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