Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
