i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
