I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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