So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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