the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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