with your own penis?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
