I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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