Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
