Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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