Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
