I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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