I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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