i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
