He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
