does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
