Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
