Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
even my farts smell like vagina
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
