I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
