Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
