I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize