maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
