well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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