I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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