Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize