i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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