apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
