I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
