god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
